Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind

If your teenager had a serious case of the flu, you would be sympathetic and helpful. When the same teenager acts in ways you disagree with, are you inclined to be unsympathetic and challenging? Dr. Bradley argues in this intriguing book that your reaction should be very similar. Both are usually natural occurrences of body dysfunctions from which your teen will recover. Although that may sound like a psychological metaphor, Dr. Bradley points out that research with MRIs shows that the growth of the corpus callosum (which coordinates cross-brain functions) and development of the prefrontal cortex (which civilizes responses that the ýold brainý stimulates) are both occurring during the teenage years. Until those brain developments are more complete, your teen will react in bizarre ways that she or he will be unable to explain. I found that way of thinking about teenage behavior to be fascinating.

My own description of the teenage years experienced by our children was that boysý behavior generally went downhill until age 13 when it bottomed out, to begin gradually improving thereafter. For girls, the decline in behavior seemed to begin around 13, and started to improve after age 20.

Dr. Bradley points out that teens have always been like this. So what has changed? ýWeýve created a world dripping with sex, drugs, and violence and plunked our temporarily insane children in the middle of it.ý Parents often treat their teens as though they can handle it. ýThe fact is that cannot handle ýitý and they know this.ý ýTeens left on their own as small adults not only . . . [make serious mistakes], they become depressed and rageful in the bargain.ý Dr. Bradleyýs descriptions of the increased exposure to these influences on television, at home, in school, and with friends will leave you convinced that we have a more toxic environment for todayýs teenagers. He cites many case histories and statistics to make his points very compelling.

The solution is for parents to change, and become a more positive influence on their teens. I was especially moved by his observation that parents need to stop mourning for their younger, happy, well-behaved child who will not return any time soon.

He offers ten commandments for being a good parent:

(1) Behave and think dispassionately;

(2) Listen well and support emotionally;

(3) Say little in a pleasant way;

(4) Take the time you need to make an appropriate response;

(5) Forget your personal pride in finding a response;

(6) Avoid being physical, even friendly gestures can be annoying to teens;

(7) Apologize for anything you have done wrong;

(8) Accept the identity your teen is trying out;

(9) Be true to your own beliefs; and

(10) Remember that all this will eventually pass.

The book offers excellent guidance on rule-setting and enforcement that are similar to what worked well with our now grown-up teens.

The book also has sections on how to deal with common problems like privacy, angry teens, drugs, sex and dating, family problems, discussing legal versus illegal drugs. You are also given a sense of what is normal and abnormal behavior related to acting out, depression, eating disorders, and suicide risk. For any hint of abnormal behavior, get professional help fast (apparently 19% of teens have given serious thought to how they would commit suicide, and the depressed teens are not the ones most at risk). You are also given good ideas for how to get teens to professional help. One of the best parts of this section is pointing out how two parents should cooperate (if you and your spouse are together) and single parents can best cope....

I particularly liked two final pieces of advice. ýIt turns out love is the magic, after all.ý ýKeep your sense of humor!ý

After you finish reading this book, I suggest that you think about where your own behavior as a teen was irrationally impulsive. Dr. Bradley cites a horrible night of misbehavior that he had as a teen. I know I gave into my impulses in various occasions. Now imagine how you would have liked your parents to respond while this was going on, both with and without the house of cards falling in on you. Those recollections may be your best guide to how you can improve, and earn even higher trust and respect from your teen.

Support emotional messes and illnesses as generously as you support physical ills!

from the trenches...   November 11, 2001
RLF (Doylestown, Pa. United States)
63 out of 64 found this review helpful

Get the book and read it...

Memorize it and practice Dr. Bradley's suggestions until they become your first reaction to the teenage craziness around you. I don't say this casually. I say this because I know, for a fact, what Bradley says works. It works when nothing else seems to and when you are absolutely certain you have no idea where that ex-child, now crazy person, came from. Less humorously...his suggestions work when you are desperately close to watching your son or daughter become a statistic. It works when nothing else has and, believe me, if you are at this point in his or her life, nothing else might. Simply put, Dr. Bradley saved my son. Now, he will say that I did, and I may have been the one who was mouthing the words and acting the part, but the words were his and the role was his, both borne from years of sensitive and insightful counseling of parents and their teenagers.

I know. I sat on the couch across from his. He watched and listened and I was hysterical. He made the same suggestions (quietly and dispassionately!) to me in my insanity that he shares in his book. He pounded them into my head and I became convinced of a few things: my son was crazy and I was his anchor. It is a few years later and my son and I are emerging from the insanity of those years, but I keep the book close by and I read and reread his words and I hear them echo and I vow always to follow them: "dispassionate cop" "short sentences, few syllables" "apologize (me, not my son)." Of course, I sometimes fail, but teenagers have a generous way of providing more opportunities to practice. I knew I had been given one of those chances and succeeded when I responded calmly, and dispassionately in a short sentence of few syllables and my son said, "Mom...stop that, because...it...it is....working."

Bradley's knowledge in this area is broad and deep, his suggestions are easy to understand, his book is poignant, clear, and frantic-parent friendly. His humor is readily evident and heartening. Reading the book is almost as good as sitting in a session with him...seriously. Read it seriously. Follow it seriously. It works...seriously.

Thanks, Dr. Bradley.


Light for the Teenage Tunnel   May 9, 2002
Deanna Johnson (San Diego, CA USA)
37 out of 37 found this review helpful

I've been a long-time Amazon customer and this is the first time I have felt absolutely compelled to write a review. I have a 17 year old son, and I wish I had read this book 5 years ago! The book is written in 3 parts - Part 1 on teens and the issues in their lives, Part 2 on parents, and Part 3 on strategies for dealing with those issues. (He even includes a section on internet obsession - a big issue in our house.) When I finished reading this book, I felt so hopeful. The author provides a guideline for staying sane while dealing with the craziness, and at the same time maintaining a connection with your kids in a way that fosters strength, love, compassion, and most and best of all - mutual respect. Not a small feat, and he does it with a warm sense of humor to top it off. I would have given this book more stars if I could!


I thought I'd lost my mind/where did my perfect daughter go?   January 10, 2003
24 out of 24 found this review helpful

Our daughter was absolutely a delight! She's beautiful inside and out, makes straight "A's," liked to hang out with her father and I, had special days with just me where we'd just hang together, at HER request, loved to read, hated boys or talking on the phone; it was amazing! I had already imagined her high school years, homecoming queen, valedictorian...I found out last month that she's been sneaking out of her room and has had sex with her boyfriend...at 14 years old. She dresses so strangely, hardly speaks to us, wants to "die" over the "dumbest" things. I felt like I wanted to die, to tell you the truth. She is my "baby," younger by 10 years than her next sibling, and the light of my life. Although we've gone for counseling and things have changed a bit, I still was raging inside...at her, at god, at my husband, I couldn't seem to get a grip on this. Me, who believes all things are exactly as they are meant to be, couldn't find peace and acceptance in this. Finally, a few days ago, I asked the angels or "someone" to please help me. That day I went to the bookstore and "for some reason" found this book. It has changed my life. It's still not easy but at least I realize I'm not alone, I haven't lost my mind, there isn't anything I could've done differently, it's just that she's a teenager.

I recommend this book to everyone, whether you're having trouble or not, it will help you understand why teenagers act the way they do. I only wish there was an audio version so we could listen to it in the car, I know it will take my husband forever to finish it. Good luck to you all!


Eric's Review   September 11, 2001
Eric (USA, PA)
20 out of 20 found this review helpful

This book offers much insight into the teenage mind. Being an average teenager myself, reading this book really helped me understand, well, Me! I was astonished by the wisdom offered by Dr. Bradley. I will warn that this book is for parenting but can be used as a guide for the MATURE teen too. This is a well organized guide to becoming a more educated parent for your teenager! Dr. Bradley helps us see that the parents and the teenagers, are all fighting the same battle, those dreadful Teenage Years. I highly recommend this book. "Yes Your Teen is Crazy" expands and updates one's mind in the scary realm known as the teenager. Buy this book!